About this Blog

About Richard Beard I figured out the software by translating a very short book by Andre Maurois, now available under the Translation tag above. This means I can move on to whatever else is on my mind. If I run out of ideas, the next pre-computer age blog I plan to translate is another very short book, this one by Henry Miller, also in French, entitled I’m No More of an Idiot Than Anybody Else.

Blog versus Twitter for Writers

The best blog I follow is written by Dru Marland. She has an unbeatable formula.  She does distinctive and interesting things, then writes them up  in a distinctive and interesting  way. 

I don’t know many writers who spend their days swimming the River Avon or photographing storms from the Bristol rooftops.  The writers are writing,  a repetitive action with a limited core of intrigue.

 Got any photos to go with that?  The desk, the wall, the page.  We’re done.

Dru illustrates her blog with her own photographs.  These are unique to her site, adding another good reason to go there.  Dru was the first person to point out to me,  I think correctly, that blogs are an image-led format.  Many of the more entertaining blogs are extended captions to intriguing images. 

Writers can make the mistake of thinking it’s all about the words.  That’s what we’ve trained ourselves to think, and we’re in the habit of working up our sentences.  There’s a reluctance to ship out a blog that hasn’t been honed in the same way as any other piece destined for publication.  Honing takes time, and effort, but Twitter might be different.  It’s shorter.

I feel confident about honing statements or questions of 140 characters or fewer.  I don’t stand to  lose too much time or sleep.  And there are no pictures.  Truly, the tweet may be the more literary medium of the two.

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T20 Golf – Head to Head

Imagine it. It could work.

The Open this year is at St Andrew’s, and golf has the same problems as always.  Everyone is walking in the same direction (pretty much – these are professionals, after all) and every player refuses to share their ball.  This is not head-to-head sport for those of us who like a bit of direct to-ing and fr0-ing, the pitting of one player against another.

What golf neds is the equivalent of T20 cricket, and I have the answer.

The admin people at the R & A should stand on the first tee (if I remember correctly) and look over the North  Sea to Holland.  At the same time they should squint until the past comes into view: the future can be found in the ancient Dutch game of Kolven.

The singular of Kolven is Kolf, but the Wikipedia entry for the game of Kolven bears no resemblance to a description I once read in a 1947 book called Ball, Bat and Bishop, by Robert W.Henderson.  This book was written and published before the Internet, so it’s almost certainly correct, and the information needs to be spread before it gets lost beneath the curse of the recent.

Henderson describes an outdoors golf game with sticks, but crucially, players use only one ball.  There is an attacking side and a defending side.  The attackers name a target that is at least four shots away, usually the door of a church or perhaps a distant gate across the flat Dutch lowlands.  The attacker names a par score to hit the ball to the target.  The defenders will probably laugh. 

The attackers start off with three shots in a row.  The third shot is where strategy begins, because after the third shot the defenders get their turn to hit the ball.  The defenders must stop the attackers reaching the church door in their specified number of shots. 

I imagine the defenders just whack it as far as possible.  Or they might aim at a foxhole or the middle of a dike.  Sadly, Henderson doesn’t discuss tactics, nor whether the defenders then have  an attack of their own. 

A variation on this game would give golf the direct contest and contemporary appeal it currently lacks.  Instructions for the R & A are included below, and the commitee men can tweak as they see fit, but the basics are all here.  The game uses existing courses.  It retains the benefits of open air exercise and the basic shots remain the same.  Accuracy is still at a premium, as well as an ability to read the landscape.  The added value is in the reading of another player’s mind, and the need to evaluate his skills.

The rules:

A game for two players.  It can also be played as doubles, in the Ryder cup for example.

The game is played tee to tee (as opposed to tee to green).  There will be par 3’s, par 4’s and par 5’s.  The committee can set up the course however they see fit, using whichever tees suit the purpose of the game.

Player 1 hits first.  His objective is to land the ball on the nominated target tee.  This is the tee Player 2 is defending.

Player 2 hits second.  He hits the same ball as the Player 1, with his target the tee that Player 1 has just used as his starting point.

Players alternate shots.  First to land the ball on the opposing tee is the winner. 

Normal golf rules apply – Out of Bounds etc.  A penalty shot gives two consecutive shots to the opposing player.

The Player who hits first can use a tee-peg, but no aids will be used thereafter.  This means that the first striker (the server?) has an advantage. 

First strike will either alternate or go to whoever wins the previous hole.

Hell, people, do some experimenting.  See what works.

A final rule:  The ball cannot be played backwards away from the target tee (otherwise the game could go on forever).

So now it’s over to the R & A.   All I ask is a portrait next to Old Tom Morris.

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Football is an Optical Illusion

Bad workmen blame their tools.

In South Africa there have been three major goalkeeping howlers after four days of matches.  England, Algeria and Paraguay have all seen their keepers bamboozled by what most people would think was a familiar sight to the man in goal: an approaching round object known as a ball.

Apparently the official 2010 World Cup ball, the ‘Jabulani’,  deviates unpredictably in the air.   Some have blamed the manufacture, others the effect of altitude at some of the South African stadiums.  A football is not a technologically tricksy idea.  There is only so much that can go wrong, and most people have rightly assumed that the complaining goalkeepers have other ‘issues’.  Like not being very good at keeping goal. 

Or so I thought, until I looked at this picture in today’s Guardian.  This Jabulani ball does not look round.  It is round, and our eyes adjust to make it round like a football.  But look at it closely.  The illustrative design on the ball has created the optical illusion of a shape more like an egg.

This is a sensational discovery.  Eggs don’t have a centre, as a ball does.  If kicked, an egg would wobble. 

When a goalkeeper is aiming to get his body behind the ball his eyes and instinct search for the centre of the ball as his target.  The ‘centre’ of the Jabulani may be unclear because of an optical illusion caused by the branded decoration on the ball itself.  This means that goalkeepers, especially under pressure, are more likely to misjudge the flight of the Jabulani and make mistakes.

This is the answer.  Someone should be told.

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National Academy of Writing at the Royal Court

Friday 30th April, 6.00pm – 7.30pm in the Wilson Studio at the Royal Court, Sloane Square, SW1W 8AS

The National Academy of Writing and the Garrick Trust is staging a rehearsed reading of extracts from four plays written by National Academy of Writing students. 

Extracts to be performed:

Sidekick by Rena Brannan

Set in the Korean community of Los Angeles, Sidekick is the story of the Hwang family and the secrets that they keep.

 The Men Outside by Roger Noble

Frank the gangster is getting on – he knows he’ll have to hand over his petty empire to one of his deputies. When the son of one of them visits he sees a paranoid old man, unrealistic about his abilities and increasingly unable to cope.  But the old man isn’t finished yet.

 Some Garden by Federay Holmes

A man can’t help it if his wife grows fat on stolen greens.  A pregnant woman will do anything for a vegetable. And a strange child is born who wants the moon.
“I don’t want to get heavy.  Things just happen – you know?  Take Us.  One minute we’re free, next minute we’re fat.”

 Harold’s Cafe by Geoff Mills

Guardian journalist Patrick visits Harold’s cafe in this surreal comedy with a dangerous edge.

 
These script-in-hand performances will be directed by theatre director Jenny Stephens, who works with the writers on developing their plays.

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The Fabulous Trumpet Orchestra

Blow Your Own

The noise, the noise.  Oh, the blowing of trumpets.  In the front row of the Internet orchestra are those blowing their own, but these are easily outnumbered by those modelling their brass on John Knox’s The First Blast of the Trumpet Against the Monstrous Regiment of Women (1558).

Every internet rant is a blast that wants to be first, and ranting is such a natural fit to the form that the temptation ought to be resisted.  Over the past month I have resisted ranting about Ryanair, automated sales calls, and two more subjects that are so rantishly scrawled on a scrap of paper I have no idea what they were.  Paddles, apparently, and errors in tenant paranoia.    Whatever was hurting, the pain has passed.  Maybe I wanted to rant about bad handwriting.  I hate that.

I prefer blogs that follow the example of the Angels.  Write down five good things that happened today.  Add those to the base-notes of indignation, merge them with the sound of own-blown trumpets and out comes the true sound of the Internet, the Fanfare for the Common Man.

That’s the noise the Internet makes.

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